Hottest SportsCenter Anchorwomen

Written By: Fantasy Fred


It's come to my attention recently that SportsCenter appears to be proactively improving the attractiveness of their anchorwomen.  Some of the anchorwomen may now be considered hot by any standard and not just as the best a traditionally ugly group of women has to offer.  We've come a long way from the days of Robin Roberts and Pam Ward, indeed.  It seems only fitting, then, that I offer up a ranking of the hottest current SportsCenter anchorwoman.  Some ground rules before we begin though, sideline reporters and correspondents don't count.  Some of these women merely used ESPN as a stepping stone to bigger and better things within the broadcasting industry and while some of them were smoking hot, they were really nothing more than glorified microphone stands.  Reaching the level of a SportsCenter anchorwoman requires a dedication to sports that is admirable in a woman.  Also, only current anchorwomen are eligible because I'm not sure I want to judge the hotness of Sharon Smith now.  Without further ado, on to the rankings:


1. Lindsay Czarniak
Age: 34     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
The hottest SportsCenter anchorwoman and inspiration for this post: Lindsay Czarniak.  I've already forgotten where I was when I first saw her but I'll never forget the way it made me feel.  I was elated to feel for the first time that I could hear all the most recent news about Tiger Woods's latest failure from a knowledgeable and beautiful anchorwomen.  It was hard to believe at first that ESPN had finally caved to their target audience and only demographic by providing us with our two greatest desires: sports and hot women.  After seeing Lindsay several times on SportsCenter--interviewing illiterate ex-players for analysis, using that stupid and painfully unresponsive giant-touch-screen TV (that ESPN is still pushing on us despite the fact that I have yet to see it work correctly), etc.--I accepted that she wasn't some digital mirage like when Olivia Wilde becomes a real person in Tron.  Thank you Lindsay, for liberating me from Robert Flores's awkwardness.


2. Sage Steele
Age: 39     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2007
Sage is easily the hottest Panamanian in sports broadcasting.  Fellow writer at the HandShake Sports Lounge, Patton, would have Steele one spot higher if it were up to him, but he is probably busy making outrageous trades in a vain attempt to save his fantasy basketball season to contribute his opinion on Sage.  It's hard for me to decide whether her hottest feature is her hair or her body, but there's no denying that she is one of SportsCenter's hottest.


3. Suzy Kolber
Age: 47     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1999
A case could be made by any of the top three to be #1, including Suzy.  This is an incredible feat for the third oldest member of the list and an anchorwoman who is significantly older than her competition at the top.  She actually began her career at ESPN only one year after Linda Cohn, you tell me which one has aged better.  Regardless of her age, any woman who is good enough for Broadway Joe is probably too good for me.


4. Sara Walsh
Age: 33     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2010
She has a unique skill set for this competition.  I'll concede that her face alone doesn't warrant the #4 spot, but combined with her youth she begins to offer a more attractive package.  The real kicker is her height, though.  Being 6'5" myself, I am a sucker for tall women with long legs.  I couldn't find her actual height online but from what I've seen she appears pretty tall and slender, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.


5. Linda Cohn
Age: 52     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1992
The grand old lady of SportsCenter.  If Suzy Kolber is ESPN's resident MILF then Cohn takes the GILF crown in a landslide.  I think Linda is looking better with age.  Some people might say #5 is too high but I try to evaluate the whole anchorwoman when compiling these rankings.  Nobody has proven more dependable or loyal to SportsCenter than Linda Cohn, and unlike some ESPN personalities who don't seem to know or care much about sports, she comes across as a genuine and knowledgeable fan.  Here's to another 20 years of counting down 10 distinctly good (or, once a week, bad) plays at the end of every show with you, Linda!


6. Hannah Storm
Age: 49     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2008
Like Kate and Rooney Mara, Hannah's family is heavily involved in several professional sports franchises.  Unfortunately, the Mara sisters decided they were too good for their family and took up acting instead of sports broadcasting which surely would've only added to the entertainment value of SportsCenter.  However, the viewers won in the end because we got to see Rooney naked in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  I don't really know where I'm going with this other than I would really like watching Kate and Rooney Mara host SportsCenter nude.


7. Cindy Brunson
Age: 45     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2002
Nothing spectacular about Cindy, except for whatever is going on with her eyes.  I can't figure it out.  I'm 90% sure they're too far apart but every so often I think it might be something else about them.  I tried covering her eyes in a picture on my computer with my finger but that just made me feel weird for trying so hard to figure out what's wrong with her eyes.  Also, is it just me or does it seem like she's on ESPNews just as much as SportsCenter?  She's like the ESPN anchorwoman equivalent of a AAAA baseball player.


8. Chris McKendry
Age: 44     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1996
Chris has a boy's first name so I nearly passed her over when I was looking at the list of current SportsCenter anchors.  It's easy to understand the mistake since there's nothing really spectacular about her.  Don't get me wrong she's like old faithful, being an anchorwoman since 1996, and she's certainly not ugly.  But, her best days are clearly behind her and she reminds me more of a mom just trying to get the kids to soccer practice on time.  Her best feature is probably the way she looks like she's always having fun on the show.


9. Michelle Bonner
Age: 39     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2005
It's not that Ms. Bonner is necessarily unattractive but I can't get past that jaw.  I feel like she should be lead blocking for me as I follow her through the hole, not updating me on Tiger Woods' latest failure.


10. Reischea Canidate
Age: 36     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
Admittedly, I'm not very familiar with Reischea, but wikipedia tells me that she was a high jumper at USC.  This makes her the perfect candidate (see what I did there?) for mother of my future star athlete son.  All my gene pool needs is a little bit of explosiveness and I will be the father of a professional athlete.  Breeding with the yin to my yang athletically in order to create a perfect harmony of physical attributes in my child has been one of my life's goals ever since my father taught me that once a man grows too old to play sports very well himself, it becomes that man's obligation to live vicariously through his offspring.


11. Dana Jacobson
Age: 40     SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2012
Ah, my old friend from Cold Pizza.  She finally made it back to the anchor desk.  While I can't actually remember Dana being used in any other capacity than hosting, I know she would prove insightful if ESPN ever called on her for some in-depth analysis.  Then again, this might be because I think she looks like she could hold her own in the post against the unibrow or the possibility that anyone will look smart if they stand next to Skip Bayless while he talks about sports.