Don't worry I'm not going to get all humanitarian on you, actually the opposite. Pro athletes aren't humans to me. They live on a distant planet and do cool shit for my entertainment, the regular dude. Occasionally I get to see them live in person which makes them seem real. Damnit, this isn't what I wanted to write about at all.
Alright, focus. I'll pretend I'm writing a sentence for a college persuasive essay and see if that gets me to where this f'ing Candyman debut post is supposed to go. Here goes it. Each individual fantasy sports league has characteristics that make it unique but no matter the social connection of the participants I've discovered there is a common denominator among all fantasy sports leagues whether it be among college or high school buddies, coworkers or a group of Franciscan Monks. The common denominator is its cast of characters.
First and foremost, there is “The Manipulator.” He's the used car salesman of fantasy sports managing. He believes that the means justify the end. Eight out of ten times John Calipari is a role model of his. Another common tendency of the , “The Manipulator” is to take reign as the League Commissioner. When this is the case, expect a league with an ethics code similar to that of a 1980s SMU football team. “The Manipulator” will always think he's right no matter the slimy tactic he uses to get a trade done or anything that helps gain a competitive advantage for that matter. Enough said about this character, I don't want to piss anybody off.“The Manipulator” should never be mistaken for “The Intimadator.”
“The Intimadator” is the Reggie Miller of fantasy managing. Naturally, I thought about using Dale Earnhardt for that analogy but I know nil about NASCAR. Is that how you even spell it? He's the only one that edits his team slogan every week for the purpose of trash talking. His goal is to turn the message board into a WCW vs NWO cage match. He usually comes in 7th place.
My personal favorite is “The Tweaker. Let's start by saying that the “The Tweaker” should never take home a championship unless it's the early 90s dotcom boom in which any stock trade would have made you a nickel or two. “The Tweaker” feels he can justify his subpar draft by picking up a new player twice daily. Now before you get all riled up, tweakism can develop from a severe case of injuries which then it may be a practical means of survival. Bottom line, if you have to make that many moves your team isn't good so don't try and say it is.
“The Tweakers” antithesis and rival is “Mr. Long Haul.” “Mr. Long Haul” thinks he is the greatest drafter that every lived. He believes there's more of a chance that Tim Tebow will succeed in the NFL then the possibility that his draft will actually fail. In other words, he is too big in his own mind too fail. “Mr. Long Haul” usually loses as well.
“The Deserter” is the lowest most hopeless fantasy character of them all. He drafts, pays attention for a week and then pretends like the league never existed. His excuse is usually that he's too busy or doesn't like that particular sport. “The Deserter” is not worthy of anymore mention.
“The Predraft Scoring Nazi” is annoying. We all know him. The standard scoring is never good enough for him. He doesn't like the natural beauty of a Natalie Portman but rather the exotic indiocracy of an Angelina Jolie. In the business world, he's the guy that shows up to a meeting with a bunch of idealistic bull shit that will never work. He is impractical and should be ignored.
“The Female” always has to prove that they actually know something. “The Female” doesn't actually have to be a girl but has to possess feminine fantasy tendencies. They often use the word projections and collusion because they are pussies.
In the end, most fantasy strategies are obnoxious and everyone will always think that their way is "The Way" to Fantasy Glory. The reality is that fantasy is such a luck of the draw that if you give two shits about your team then you have a chance of winning. With that said, I will close by saying the “The Deserter” is the only inferior fantasy character.
I'm curious to know what other fantasy characters you have experienced. Please share...
-candy man-
-candy man-
"The Strategist" Thinks he's found a flaw in the default scoring system that he can exploit for an easy championship. These are usually managers that are relatively new to fantasy but I swear there's at least one idiot in every public league draft I do that does something like draft all closer's with his first 6 picks, then not draft a single starter. He's convinced he's the Bill Belichick of fantasy and has outsmarted everyone. These fantasy characters are usually easy to identify because at some point they will draw attention to their radical strategy in hopes of garnering congratulations from the league on his nobel prize worthy discovery. Usually with a comment in the draft chat like, "Have you guys seen my closers yet? I've got the best closers ever. I won't lose saves, ERA, or WHIP all year." Good luck with that Sun Tzu.
ReplyDelete-Fantasy Fred