http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zExrVyTX_aw
-Patton-
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Injury Bug
I, like a couple of my brethren in the Lounge, was once a professional and collegiate prospect. Blessed enough with a sizable frame and determined enough to battle through injuries, I went undefeated as a right-handed starting and closing pitcher for a summer league team called the Atlanta Blue Jays. I threw comfortably from 88-91mph and had an assortment of 8 different pitches at two arm slots. I threw 2 no-hitters and struck out a Puerto Rican junior national team 9 times in 7 innings while slightly under the influence (thanks David Wells for being a great idol).
Because of my efforts and blessed talent, I earned national recognition. I was a Rawlings Southeast All-Region prospect, a top prospect for Perfect Game, Baseball America and the WWBA nationally. I had trash bags filled with collegiate prospecting letters from Stanford and the University of San Francisco to The University of Alabama and Clemson University (shout out to Patton and Calf Zilla). This all may sound braggadocios and horn tooting but it’s what I was. I was a talented player on the field. However, my joy, and God how I was the happiest kid when I strapped up my cleats and slapped rosin across my hand, seemed unfairly “knocked out of my park.”
Life is more challenging than you realize as teenager. Life, in general, is more than a young mind can truly understand or appreciate. I never would have imagined how quickly things could change and how something so golden could slip away without a whole lot of warning. A dropped-third-strike, an errant throw and my stubbornness led to a broken left knee and facilitated early on-set arthritis. I was out of baseball for 4 months without a single chance to "shine on the diamond". At the time, I didn’t believe the injury was serious and even stayed on the field, watching as the injured base runner carted his way to the dugout. At the end of the inning, swelling and pain took over, I hit the bench, unbeknownst to the level of damage and difficulty I was about to meet head on.
Rehab began with little goals like learning to walk and run again, slowly progressing to jumping, leg pressing and eventually squatting (the workout, not on the toilet). However, taking a dump with a stiff brace is awkward; Calf Zilla and Fantasy Fred know what's up. Anyways, four months without “seeing” the field was emotionally draining - and more importantly – the injury slowly and painfully eliminated scouting attention that may have come along during that summer. Unfortunately, the knee injury wasn't the worst of my injuries.
The fall of my senior year was a metaphoric roller coaster of emotions. Early on, my hard work and talents attracted several junior colleges, propelling them to extend offers. Additionally, I was prepping for the biggest tournament of my life, the WWBA World Championship in Jupiter, Florida. In Jupiter, hundreds of professional and collegiate scouts scatter the Marlins’ and Cardinals’ spring training facilities looking for the next top signing. Included were the University of Alabama and Vanderbilt University. These two SEC schools were in need of new arms for their upcoming signing class, and their recruiters targeted me!
Before my final high school game, I sat in the bleachers with my coach, as he made his pitch to ‘Bama and Vandy, claiming I threw in the high 80's with good command and plus pitches. The scouts were excited, ready and willing to finalize negotiations, if I could throw in my advertised range. But, as you can imagine from the title of this post and the overall depressing theme following, that damn injury bug "bit" me again - this time to my right shoulder.
Over a month’s period, I went from effortlessly throwing in the high 80's to struggling to reach the 70's. The pain was nearly unbearable – my love for baseball being the only force more powerful. In that game, in front of the ‘Bama and Vandy recruiters, at least 30-50 other scouts lined the fences to watch me pitch. Though my speed was terribly disappointing, I have never put more effort into one event than in my life.
Every half-inning I downed two ibuprofens and lathered up my right arm with BioFreeze. But, no matter what I did, the pain wouldn’t subside. And though my effort was admirable, scouts want tangible results, not pure effort. At one point, and I'll never forget this, I looked down the third base, where scout-filled golf carts line the fence, and mentally waved goodbye to my lifelong aspirations as a professional pitcher. And, if you've ever seen For the Love of the Game, you understand why Kevin Costner's character's "zone" is a necessity for pitchers, especially at that moment. I desperately needed an escape and if I was going out, I needed to do it on my terms. So, I “nutted up and shut up”, threw a complete game two-hit shutout and added 1 hit and a RBI as our cleanup hitter. I successfully helped the Blue Jays win a second game in a row.
Strangely enough, I have a mocking happiness for my injuries. Honestly, I’m not sure if I would truly appreciate the importance of my family and friends had I not experienced the need to rely on them. Maybe things happen for an omnipresent reason, maybe fate and destiny coexist for our benefit, whatever the case, I’m happier now than I was when I played. My new dreams and future are in reach and today I have a couple of things to show for all those years - some damn good memories and a healthier, stronger body and mind that serve me well in my capacity to debate whether those in professional sports are elite enough to play on my fantasy rosters.
-Oscar from Boston-
The Spectacle of NASCAR
Written By: Fantasy Fred
It's wrong, on the verge of criminal, that most sports lovers won't even consider going to a NASCAR race. If you have ever enjoyed an all-day tailgate at major college football game, Mardi Gras, a bachelor party, or Jeff Foxworthy's standup (honestly, if you enjoy his standup you should probably be writing this article, after I teach you how to write) then you should go to at least one race to give it a try. Just imagine your favorite party from freshman year of college, then multiply the amount of people there by a thousand, push up the start time of the debauchery to sunrise (with no lulls in the action until about 2:00 AM the next morning), pretend only ¾ of women are fully clothed, remove any threat of the cops breaking things up because all this is encouraged on race day, and you're left with something similar to a NASCAR race at a big-time track. That's without even watching the race itself.
Watching a NASCAR race in person is nothing like watching it on your TV from your living room. It's something you need to see in person to appreciate the speed and power of these finely tuned machines. You can feel the vibrations of the engines, the wind against your face as the cars pass in a blur, the heat radiating from the track as a reminder of the the pure energy contained in the oval, even the bits of rubber flying as high as 20 rows up offer an enjoyable authenticity to the whole experience. The noise is deafening but serves to heighten the level of excitement more than irritate. If the noise is too much, many people where headphones plugged into radio scanners which are tuned to the inter-team communication channels. If you thought you cussed up a storm after some asian lady cut you off on the interstate, wait until you hear what a driver has to same when a rival jeopardizes his health and his livelihood by attempting a police takeout maneuver at 180 mph. These guys can go on verbal tirades spanning minutes without uttering a single word appropriate for anyone younger than 12. Then there are the crashes. Who doesn't love watching a good NASCAR crash? When you see it in person it feels like your the little kids in "Super 8" as the alien transport train wrecks. Sure you have to sit through a few boring caution laps while all the debris is removed but thats a perfect time to crack open an ice cold beer from your personal cooler. How many sporting events have you been to that allow you to bring in your own cooler full of alcohol?
I was lucky enough to go to one of NASCAR's premier events in 2009: a race at Bristol Motor Speedway. I imagine that Bristol is rivaled by only Talladega, Daytona, or maybe Charlotte for best track. Nestled in the Northeast corner of Tennessee, on the edge of the Appalachian Mountains, this tiny town of 26,000 swells to over 160,000 (Bristol Motor Speedway seats 160,000 itself, routinely sells out, and there are thousands more who come without a ticket for various other reasons) two weekends a year when NASCAR is in town. Every deforested piece of land within two miles of the stadium is used for parking on race day, as grassy hills are covered as far as the eye can see by rows of carefully parked deluxe RVs and oversized trucks (every single one is backed into its parking spot, as if in this culture pulling in front first is a sign of impotence and the ability to maneuver a vehicle determines social standing).
The long trek from my car to my seat through the closed off streets of the small town was well worth it. I stopped more than a few times to take in my surroundings and enjoy this truly unique atmosphere. There were vendors who had set up tents to peddle every type of good you can think of and some you can't, barbecue and beers available at every tailgate in which you're willing to pay homage to their patron driver, drunk women liberally displaying their bisexual promiscuity as if it were a contest, and more interesting "people watching" (people watching-observing the everyday absurdity of everyone from the average to the extraordinary, as a means of entertainment) than I've ever witnessed before in my life. The closer to the stadium I get, the more extreme everything becomes in this amazing cultural niche within American society. Local residents display signs advertising hot showers that gradually give way to signs for cold showers then finally golden showers. Just outside the stadium, the same sponsors whose names are plastered all over the cars inside sell their company's goods with scantily clad models offering free samples in a more official looking façade of the same spectacle taking place in the outlying streets.
Once I was inside and the race had started, I experience one of the most exciting races NASCAR has to offer while drinking myself into a stupor. The high degree of banking in the turns (once claimed to be 36° but now closer to 26°) and small overall length (only 0.533 of a mile) always leads to a destructive cycle of contact between cars and increasingly aggressive driving due to the congested racing environment. Likened to "flying fighter jets in a gymnasium," you really do get the feel that the track isn't big enough for all those cars traveling that fast. All this leads to nonstop action that any sports fan can appreciate. Hopefully more of those fans give NASCAR a chance and take a trip to the track for a day. I know you won't come away disappointed if you do.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
THE COMMON DENOMINATOR
The simple yet time consuming game of sports statistics known as fantasy has been an integral part of my life since a time when I actually still played “real” sports to a time where I now sit in a cubicle all day salivating for what irresponsible decisions the weekend might bring. In this relatively new stage of life, my excitement is more likely to stem from getting a new desk plant rather than hitting a triple down the third base line and then stealing home. I've never actually done either but that's besides the point. The point I am trying to lead into is one of sociological importance that most fantasy owners have come to grips with whether they realize it or not. It's an inherent attribute associated with nearly all competitive environments but it takes on a new life when winning revolves around transforming human lives into simplified statistical objects...
Don't worry I'm not going to get all humanitarian on you, actually the opposite. Pro athletes aren't humans to me. They live on a distant planet and do cool shit for my entertainment, the regular dude. Occasionally I get to see them live in person which makes them seem real. Damnit, this isn't what I wanted to write about at all.
Alright, focus. I'll pretend I'm writing a sentence for a college persuasive essay and see if that gets me to where this f'ing Candyman debut post is supposed to go. Here goes it. Each individual fantasy sports league has characteristics that make it unique but no matter the social connection of the participants I've discovered there is a common denominator among all fantasy sports leagues whether it be among college or high school buddies, coworkers or a group of Franciscan Monks. The common denominator is its cast of characters.
First and foremost, there is “The Manipulator.” He's the used car salesman of fantasy sports managing. He believes that the means justify the end. Eight out of ten times John Calipari is a role model of his. Another common tendency of the , “The Manipulator” is to take reign as the League Commissioner. When this is the case, expect a league with an ethics code similar to that of a 1980s SMU football team. “The Manipulator” will always think he's right no matter the slimy tactic he uses to get a trade done or anything that helps gain a competitive advantage for that matter. Enough said about this character, I don't want to piss anybody off.“The Manipulator” should never be mistaken for “The Intimadator.”
“The Intimadator” is the Reggie Miller of fantasy managing. Naturally, I thought about using Dale Earnhardt for that analogy but I know nil about NASCAR. Is that how you even spell it? He's the only one that edits his team slogan every week for the purpose of trash talking. His goal is to turn the message board into a WCW vs NWO cage match. He usually comes in 7th place.
My personal favorite is “The Tweaker. Let's start by saying that the “The Tweaker” should never take home a championship unless it's the early 90s dotcom boom in which any stock trade would have made you a nickel or two. “The Tweaker” feels he can justify his subpar draft by picking up a new player twice daily. Now before you get all riled up, tweakism can develop from a severe case of injuries which then it may be a practical means of survival. Bottom line, if you have to make that many moves your team isn't good so don't try and say it is.
“The Tweakers” antithesis and rival is “Mr. Long Haul.” “Mr. Long Haul” thinks he is the greatest drafter that every lived. He believes there's more of a chance that Tim Tebow will succeed in the NFL then the possibility that his draft will actually fail. In other words, he is too big in his own mind too fail. “Mr. Long Haul” usually loses as well.
“The Deserter” is the lowest most hopeless fantasy character of them all. He drafts, pays attention for a week and then pretends like the league never existed. His excuse is usually that he's too busy or doesn't like that particular sport. “The Deserter” is not worthy of anymore mention.
“The Predraft Scoring Nazi” is annoying. We all know him. The standard scoring is never good enough for him. He doesn't like the natural beauty of a Natalie Portman but rather the exotic indiocracy of an Angelina Jolie. In the business world, he's the guy that shows up to a meeting with a bunch of idealistic bull shit that will never work. He is impractical and should be ignored.
“The Female” always has to prove that they actually know something. “The Female” doesn't actually have to be a girl but has to possess feminine fantasy tendencies. They often use the word projections and collusion because they are pussies.
In the end, most fantasy strategies are obnoxious and everyone will always think that their way is "The Way" to Fantasy Glory. The reality is that fantasy is such a luck of the draw that if you give two shits about your team then you have a chance of winning. With that said, I will close by saying the “The Deserter” is the only inferior fantasy character.
I'm curious to know what other fantasy characters you have experienced. Please share...
-candy man-
-candy man-
Impressively overrated
It’s 4:30 pm in Hawaii (I know, fuck me, right?) and without a doubt the most intense NBA game of the year just ended between The Heat and The Thunder. I just opened a bottle of red in preparation for the Lakers-Clippers match up with hopes that this game will be played with the same aggressive, playoff feel. Chris Paul looks as honed-in as ever and Kobe has that swagger that only Kobe could have – you know what I mean. Gasol stumbles around like a goofy llama and Bynum always reminds me of an over-sized Tracey Morgan. Then there’s Blake Griffin - I don’t even know where to start. He looks like something some demented scientist engineered in a basement in LA – kind of a combination Frankenstein-sized superior athlete and The Thing from Fantastic Four.
Tip off commences and all the fans who long to watch a dull, flat sports experience get exactly that. The NBA never ceases to disappoint. During my years of team sports, my favorite was hands down basketball. I never was the most athletic or skilled player on the court, but I always had a very strong grasp of the game and fell in love with the rhythm and fluidity of it.
Watching the first quarter of this game unfold, I can’t help but think that Blake Griffin’s lack of rhythm and grace looks about how I would look if I decided to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”. What he lacks in the grace department he makes up for in strength and athleticism – skills he owns in abundance. He bullies his way to the hole with a caveman-like agility while attempting to dunk the ball over any and every player that makes the mistake of contesting him. While this makes for great Sports Center highlights, it simply does not sync with the caliber of player that ESPN makes him out to be. I believe him to be the most overrated player in the NBA. He has no post moves and a jumper not even worth mentioning except to say that it has improved. So what. His free throw stroke is by far his most blatant display of poor form – best compared to Charles Barkley's golf swing. Well, that is before Hank Haney got a hold of it. Anytime Griffin gets the ball in the post and a shot calling for finesse is required, he generally comes up short or clanks it long.
In his defense I do admit that he often gets his own rebound and follows up with a Gasol tea bagging. Too bad we can’t get a camera on the fans’ facial expressions as they contemplate being forced to watch that 250 more times in the coming week on Sports Center. I say forced, but I’d be a liar if I said I didn't enjoy watching him relentlessly humiliate player after player every week.
Basketball, like any game, has unique aspects, not the least of which is a rhythm and pace that requires subtle signals and quick moves among players. Those that are able to combine natural talent with the feel of the game can become great. Players like Kobe and (of course) Jordan both demonstrate that perfect fusion of athletic dominance and effortless grace. If Blake Griffin ever wants to enter the company of the NBA elite, he has to learn to let the game come to him and, as Bagger Vance says, “Stop thinking - without falling asleep”. Griffin probably won’t make the changes necessary to ascend to greatness, and that’s disappointing for a purist like me. I’m still waiting patiently for the next great composer to come along and match the poise and dexterity and grace which he was born to the rhythm and beat and the strategy of this game. When it happens it’s a beautiful thing.
-Patton-
Georgia on my Mind
What would my parents say if I told them I was skipping class today because it was Braves Opening Day, and the start of The Masters tournament? I'm sure they would understand. They'd have too. It's almost mandatory that Georgians do absolutely nothing but watch sports all day. Today, Thursday April 5th is somewhat of an unofficial holiday in the great state of Georgia.
Sadly, this will be the first time in a couple of years that I will not make the drive from beautiful Clemson, SC to Augusta, Ga. There is nothing like being at The National. If you've never been, I suggest a trip. Everything is better in Augusta during The Masters. The Egg Salad on white bread, while simple, will make you forget all your troubles. And at $1.50, it might as well be all you can eat. Make sure to try the honorable mentions as well: the tuna salad, the BBQ sandwich, or the incredible Pimento cheese. But between the heat, and the $2.00 import Drafts, something will keep you coming back for the egg salad again and again.
For those that have never been, I highly recommend attending a practice round. Especially on Wednesday during the Par 3 tournament. You get to experience the beauty of The National, but with a more laid back feel. Some of my greatest sports memories were born on a Wednesday Par 3 challenge at The National. Before it even started, I saw one of my favorite golfers, Craig Stadler. I was playing collect a cup (Old Money speak for catching a buzz at The National) and something, probably the beer, prompted me to shout, "The Walrus!", above the crowd. Craig Stadler, known as the Walrus for his heavy set build and tusk shaped mustachio, called me over and asked me to walk with him. I got to walk with The Walrus and his lady friend to the fist hole of the Par 3, something I will never forget. Later that day, I had a thirty minute conversation with Scott Van Pelt. He has an incredible knowledge of all sports, I was truly impressed. I didn't even bring up his famed voice mail, which is why I called him over in the fist place. Finally, I got to watch Arnold Palmer, Gary Player, and Jack Nicklaus play their final round on the par 3 course. At the end I managed to score a high five from each of them. I didn't wash my hand for three months. As ESPN would say, it's Sports, not Crazy. But of all the sports memories, one of my earliest and certainly most memorable came in 1995.
Standing around an old tube television in my 3XL Braves NLCS Champion shirt, I watched my Atlanta Braves win the only professional sports title I have witnessed an Atlanta team win in my life. Damn you John Elway. Fellow Atlantan's will sympathize on the Falcons 1998 trip to the Super Bowl, where Elway viciously put an end to the Dirty Bird Madness that was sweeping the nation. It's tough being an Atlanta sports fan, but it's memories like David Justice's sixth inning home run that keep me showing up at Turner field year after year. I won't forget that Tom Glavine pitched eight one hit innings and then handed it over to closer, Mark Wholers, to finish the drill. When the 27th out landed in Marquis Grissom's glove, my house literally erupted, as I'm sure houses around the rest of Braves Country did as well. Sports are just as much about the past as they are the future. Sports have that amazingly uncanny ability to foster memories that will remain with you for the rest of your life.
So to Georgian's and Sports fans alike, I raise my glass (a 24 ounce Tervis Tumbler with the Masters logo I purchased at The National last year). Here's to the state so beautiful they wrote songs about her. The place I grew up. And the home of timeless sporting traditions like the Masters. A tradition unlike any other.
Make sure to create as many sports memories as you can with your friends and families. In my experience, they will stick with you much longer than anything else.
Go Braves. Enjoy The Masters.
Sadly, this will be the first time in a couple of years that I will not make the drive from beautiful Clemson, SC to Augusta, Ga. There is nothing like being at The National. If you've never been, I suggest a trip. Everything is better in Augusta during The Masters. The Egg Salad on white bread, while simple, will make you forget all your troubles. And at $1.50, it might as well be all you can eat. Make sure to try the honorable mentions as well: the tuna salad, the BBQ sandwich, or the incredible Pimento cheese. But between the heat, and the $2.00 import Drafts, something will keep you coming back for the egg salad again and again.
For those that have never been, I highly recommend attending a practice round. Especially on Wednesday during the Par 3 tournament. You get to experience the beauty of The National, but with a more laid back feel. Some of my greatest sports memories were born on a Wednesday Par 3 challenge at The National. Before it even started, I saw one of my favorite golfers, Craig Stadler. I was playing collect a cup (Old Money speak for catching a buzz at The National) and something, probably the beer, prompted me to shout, "The Walrus!", above the crowd. Craig Stadler, known as the Walrus for his heavy set build and tusk shaped mustachio, called me over and asked me to walk with him. I got to walk with The Walrus and his lady friend to the fist hole of the Par 3, something I will never forget. Later that day, I had a thirty minute conversation with Scott Van Pelt. He has an incredible knowledge of all sports, I was truly impressed. I didn't even bring up his famed voice mail, which is why I called him over in the fist place. Finally, I got to watch Arnold Palmer, Gary Player, and Jack Nicklaus play their final round on the par 3 course. At the end I managed to score a high five from each of them. I didn't wash my hand for three months. As ESPN would say, it's Sports, not Crazy. But of all the sports memories, one of my earliest and certainly most memorable came in 1995.
Standing around an old tube television in my 3XL Braves NLCS Champion shirt, I watched my Atlanta Braves win the only professional sports title I have witnessed an Atlanta team win in my life. Damn you John Elway. Fellow Atlantan's will sympathize on the Falcons 1998 trip to the Super Bowl, where Elway viciously put an end to the Dirty Bird Madness that was sweeping the nation. It's tough being an Atlanta sports fan, but it's memories like David Justice's sixth inning home run that keep me showing up at Turner field year after year. I won't forget that Tom Glavine pitched eight one hit innings and then handed it over to closer, Mark Wholers, to finish the drill. When the 27th out landed in Marquis Grissom's glove, my house literally erupted, as I'm sure houses around the rest of Braves Country did as well. Sports are just as much about the past as they are the future. Sports have that amazingly uncanny ability to foster memories that will remain with you for the rest of your life.
So to Georgian's and Sports fans alike, I raise my glass (a 24 ounce Tervis Tumbler with the Masters logo I purchased at The National last year). Here's to the state so beautiful they wrote songs about her. The place I grew up. And the home of timeless sporting traditions like the Masters. A tradition unlike any other.
Make sure to create as many sports memories as you can with your friends and families. In my experience, they will stick with you much longer than anything else.
Go Braves. Enjoy The Masters.
-Calf Zilla
Hottest SportsCenter Anchorwomen
Written By: Fantasy Fred
It's come to my attention recently that SportsCenter appears to be proactively improving the attractiveness of their anchorwomen. Some of the anchorwomen may now be considered hot by any standard and not just as the best a traditionally ugly group of women has to offer. We've come a long way from the days of Robin Roberts and Pam Ward, indeed. It seems only fitting, then, that I offer up a ranking of the hottest current SportsCenter anchorwoman. Some ground rules before we begin though, sideline reporters and correspondents don't count. Some of these women merely used ESPN as a stepping stone to bigger and better things within the broadcasting industry and while some of them were smoking hot, they were really nothing more than glorified microphone stands. Reaching the level of a SportsCenter anchorwoman requires a dedication to sports that is admirable in a woman. Also, only current anchorwomen are eligible because I'm not sure I want to judge the hotness of Sharon Smith now. Without further ado, on to the rankings:
1. Lindsay Czarniak
Age: 34 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
The hottest SportsCenter anchorwoman and inspiration for this post: Lindsay Czarniak. I've already forgotten where I was when I first saw her but I'll never forget the way it made me feel. I was elated to feel for the first time that I could hear all the most recent news about Tiger Woods's latest failure from a knowledgeable and beautiful anchorwomen. It was hard to believe at first that ESPN had finally caved to their target audience and only demographic by providing us with our two greatest desires: sports and hot women. After seeing Lindsay several times on SportsCenter--interviewing illiterate ex-players for analysis, using that stupid and painfully unresponsive giant-touch-screen TV (that ESPN is still pushing on us despite the fact that I have yet to see it work correctly), etc.--I accepted that she wasn't some digital mirage like when Olivia Wilde becomes a real person in Tron. Thank you Lindsay, for liberating me from Robert Flores's awkwardness.
2. Sage Steele
Age: 39 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2007
Sage is easily the hottest Panamanian in sports broadcasting. Fellow writer at the HandShake Sports Lounge, Patton, would have Steele one spot higher if it were up to him, but he is probably busy making outrageous trades in a vain attempt to save his fantasy basketball season to contribute his opinion on Sage. It's hard for me to decide whether her hottest feature is her hair or her body, but there's no denying that she is one of SportsCenter's hottest.
3. Suzy Kolber
Age: 47 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1999
A case could be made by any of the top three to be #1, including Suzy. This is an incredible feat for the third oldest member of the list and an anchorwoman who is significantly older than her competition at the top. She actually began her career at ESPN only one year after Linda Cohn, you tell me which one has aged better. Regardless of her age, any woman who is good enough for Broadway Joe is probably too good for me.
4. Sara Walsh
Age: 33 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2010
She has a unique skill set for this competition. I'll concede that her face alone doesn't warrant the #4 spot, but combined with her youth she begins to offer a more attractive package. The real kicker is her height, though. Being 6'5" myself, I am a sucker for tall women with long legs. I couldn't find her actual height online but from what I've seen she appears pretty tall and slender, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
5. Linda Cohn
Age: 52 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1992
The grand old lady of SportsCenter. If Suzy Kolber is ESPN's resident MILF then Cohn takes the GILF crown in a landslide. I think Linda is looking better with age. Some people might say #5 is too high but I try to evaluate the whole anchorwoman when compiling these rankings. Nobody has proven more dependable or loyal to SportsCenter than Linda Cohn, and unlike some ESPN personalities who don't seem to know or care much about sports, she comes across as a genuine and knowledgeable fan. Here's to another 20 years of counting down 10 distinctly good (or, once a week, bad) plays at the end of every show with you, Linda!
6. Hannah Storm
Age: 49 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2008
Like Kate and Rooney Mara, Hannah's family is heavily involved in several professional sports franchises. Unfortunately, the Mara sisters decided they were too good for their family and took up acting instead of sports broadcasting which surely would've only added to the entertainment value of SportsCenter. However, the viewers won in the end because we got to see Rooney naked in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I don't really know where I'm going with this other than I would really like watching Kate and Rooney Mara host SportsCenter nude.
7. Cindy Brunson
Age: 45 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2002
Nothing spectacular about Cindy, except for whatever is going on with her eyes. I can't figure it out. I'm 90% sure they're too far apart but every so often I think it might be something else about them. I tried covering her eyes in a picture on my computer with my finger but that just made me feel weird for trying so hard to figure out what's wrong with her eyes. Also, is it just me or does it seem like she's on ESPNews just as much as SportsCenter? She's like the ESPN anchorwoman equivalent of a AAAA baseball player.
8. Chris McKendry
Age: 44 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1996
Chris has a boy's first name so I nearly passed her over when I was looking at the list of current SportsCenter anchors. It's easy to understand the mistake since there's nothing really spectacular about her. Don't get me wrong she's like old faithful, being an anchorwoman since 1996, and she's certainly not ugly. But, her best days are clearly behind her and she reminds me more of a mom just trying to get the kids to soccer practice on time. Her best feature is probably the way she looks like she's always having fun on the show.
9. Michelle Bonner
Age: 39 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2005
It's not that Ms. Bonner is necessarily unattractive but I can't get past that jaw. I feel like she should be lead blocking for me as I follow her through the hole, not updating me on Tiger Woods' latest failure.
10. Reischea Canidate
Age: 36 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
Admittedly, I'm not very familiar with Reischea, but wikipedia tells me that she was a high jumper at USC. This makes her the perfect candidate (see what I did there?) for mother of my future star athlete son. All my gene pool needs is a little bit of explosiveness and I will be the father of a professional athlete. Breeding with the yin to my yang athletically in order to create a perfect harmony of physical attributes in my child has been one of my life's goals ever since my father taught me that once a man grows too old to play sports very well himself, it becomes that man's obligation to live vicariously through his offspring.
11. Dana Jacobson
Age: 40 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2012
Ah, my old friend from Cold Pizza. She finally made it back to the anchor desk. While I can't actually remember Dana being used in any other capacity than hosting, I know she would prove insightful if ESPN ever called on her for some in-depth analysis. Then again, this might be because I think she looks like she could hold her own in the post against the unibrow or the possibility that anyone will look smart if they stand next to Skip Bayless while he talks about sports.
It's come to my attention recently that SportsCenter appears to be proactively improving the attractiveness of their anchorwomen. Some of the anchorwomen may now be considered hot by any standard and not just as the best a traditionally ugly group of women has to offer. We've come a long way from the days of Robin Roberts and Pam Ward, indeed. It seems only fitting, then, that I offer up a ranking of the hottest current SportsCenter anchorwoman. Some ground rules before we begin though, sideline reporters and correspondents don't count. Some of these women merely used ESPN as a stepping stone to bigger and better things within the broadcasting industry and while some of them were smoking hot, they were really nothing more than glorified microphone stands. Reaching the level of a SportsCenter anchorwoman requires a dedication to sports that is admirable in a woman. Also, only current anchorwomen are eligible because I'm not sure I want to judge the hotness of Sharon Smith now. Without further ado, on to the rankings:
1. Lindsay Czarniak
Age: 34 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
The hottest SportsCenter anchorwoman and inspiration for this post: Lindsay Czarniak. I've already forgotten where I was when I first saw her but I'll never forget the way it made me feel. I was elated to feel for the first time that I could hear all the most recent news about Tiger Woods's latest failure from a knowledgeable and beautiful anchorwomen. It was hard to believe at first that ESPN had finally caved to their target audience and only demographic by providing us with our two greatest desires: sports and hot women. After seeing Lindsay several times on SportsCenter--interviewing illiterate ex-players for analysis, using that stupid and painfully unresponsive giant-touch-screen TV (that ESPN is still pushing on us despite the fact that I have yet to see it work correctly), etc.--I accepted that she wasn't some digital mirage like when Olivia Wilde becomes a real person in Tron. Thank you Lindsay, for liberating me from Robert Flores's awkwardness.
2. Sage Steele
Age: 39 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2007
Sage is easily the hottest Panamanian in sports broadcasting. Fellow writer at the HandShake Sports Lounge, Patton, would have Steele one spot higher if it were up to him, but he is probably busy making outrageous trades in a vain attempt to save his fantasy basketball season to contribute his opinion on Sage. It's hard for me to decide whether her hottest feature is her hair or her body, but there's no denying that she is one of SportsCenter's hottest.
3. Suzy Kolber
Age: 47 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1999
A case could be made by any of the top three to be #1, including Suzy. This is an incredible feat for the third oldest member of the list and an anchorwoman who is significantly older than her competition at the top. She actually began her career at ESPN only one year after Linda Cohn, you tell me which one has aged better. Regardless of her age, any woman who is good enough for Broadway Joe is probably too good for me.
4. Sara Walsh
Age: 33 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2010
She has a unique skill set for this competition. I'll concede that her face alone doesn't warrant the #4 spot, but combined with her youth she begins to offer a more attractive package. The real kicker is her height, though. Being 6'5" myself, I am a sucker for tall women with long legs. I couldn't find her actual height online but from what I've seen she appears pretty tall and slender, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
5. Linda Cohn
Age: 52 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1992
The grand old lady of SportsCenter. If Suzy Kolber is ESPN's resident MILF then Cohn takes the GILF crown in a landslide. I think Linda is looking better with age. Some people might say #5 is too high but I try to evaluate the whole anchorwoman when compiling these rankings. Nobody has proven more dependable or loyal to SportsCenter than Linda Cohn, and unlike some ESPN personalities who don't seem to know or care much about sports, she comes across as a genuine and knowledgeable fan. Here's to another 20 years of counting down 10 distinctly good (or, once a week, bad) plays at the end of every show with you, Linda!
6. Hannah Storm
Age: 49 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2008
Like Kate and Rooney Mara, Hannah's family is heavily involved in several professional sports franchises. Unfortunately, the Mara sisters decided they were too good for their family and took up acting instead of sports broadcasting which surely would've only added to the entertainment value of SportsCenter. However, the viewers won in the end because we got to see Rooney naked in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I don't really know where I'm going with this other than I would really like watching Kate and Rooney Mara host SportsCenter nude.
7. Cindy Brunson
Age: 45 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2002
Nothing spectacular about Cindy, except for whatever is going on with her eyes. I can't figure it out. I'm 90% sure they're too far apart but every so often I think it might be something else about them. I tried covering her eyes in a picture on my computer with my finger but that just made me feel weird for trying so hard to figure out what's wrong with her eyes. Also, is it just me or does it seem like she's on ESPNews just as much as SportsCenter? She's like the ESPN anchorwoman equivalent of a AAAA baseball player.
8. Chris McKendry
Age: 44 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 1996
Chris has a boy's first name so I nearly passed her over when I was looking at the list of current SportsCenter anchors. It's easy to understand the mistake since there's nothing really spectacular about her. Don't get me wrong she's like old faithful, being an anchorwoman since 1996, and she's certainly not ugly. But, her best days are clearly behind her and she reminds me more of a mom just trying to get the kids to soccer practice on time. Her best feature is probably the way she looks like she's always having fun on the show.
9. Michelle Bonner
Age: 39 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2005
It's not that Ms. Bonner is necessarily unattractive but I can't get past that jaw. I feel like she should be lead blocking for me as I follow her through the hole, not updating me on Tiger Woods' latest failure.
10. Reischea Canidate
Age: 36 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2011
Admittedly, I'm not very familiar with Reischea, but wikipedia tells me that she was a high jumper at USC. This makes her the perfect candidate (see what I did there?) for mother of my future star athlete son. All my gene pool needs is a little bit of explosiveness and I will be the father of a professional athlete. Breeding with the yin to my yang athletically in order to create a perfect harmony of physical attributes in my child has been one of my life's goals ever since my father taught me that once a man grows too old to play sports very well himself, it becomes that man's obligation to live vicariously through his offspring.
11. Dana Jacobson
Age: 40 SportsCenter anchorwoman since: 2012
Ah, my old friend from Cold Pizza. She finally made it back to the anchor desk. While I can't actually remember Dana being used in any other capacity than hosting, I know she would prove insightful if ESPN ever called on her for some in-depth analysis. Then again, this might be because I think she looks like she could hold her own in the post against the unibrow or the possibility that anyone will look smart if they stand next to Skip Bayless while he talks about sports.
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